


Daughter He Never Knew

by doubleohsandwich



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Father Figures, Father-Daughter Relationship, Fatherhood, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Major Character Injury, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-27
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-02-22 21:05:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2521805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doubleohsandwich/pseuds/doubleohsandwich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zaeed Massani has a daughter, a daughter he never knew about. And if that didn't fill his stomach with guilt, the fact that he had to face her everyday did. But Lowry Shepard didn't know, and if Zaeed had his way, she would never. Maybe, he thought, if he could befriend Shepard and become somewhat of a parental figure in her eyes, it would make things right. It wouldn't replace the childhood he missed, but he could at least goddamn try.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Waiting

**Author's Note:**

> This Mass Effect fanfiction is inspired by my Lowry Shepard's accidental yet uncanny resemblance to famous bounty hunter Zaeed Massani. Zaeed learns he has a daughter and tries to develop that relationship. It's full of emotional fluff, because we all need some parental support and love. Also because I love Zaeed. Mention of Shepard/Thane romance and Shepard/Kaiden breakup. Tagged for violence because of battles. (Pretty please let me know what you think! Also sorry if you ship Shepard/Kaiden...)

Zaeed stomped back and forth in his side of the cargo hold. Every time he walked near the trash compactor, he just about slapped the button, trying to take out his frustration on the helpless garbage from the Normandy. The cube would land with a satisfying thud, and he would very nearly punch the button that jettisoned the cube into the black abyss of space. If he kept this up much longer, he might accidentally break a finger.   
But he couldn't help it. He hated waiting, and this wait - this one in particular - was probably the most anxious and terrifying one of his life. There was a machine only about as big as a coffee maker on one of the crates, whirring and clicking. It seemed like it was going to take all eternity to finish processing that little bit of DNA. That's what he gets for borrowing a machine from that Salarian doctor upstairs. 

Meanwhile, that same salarian doctor was puzzling himself in the tech lab of the Normandy SR2, trying to process the incredibly bizarre interruption of his work that he had just experienced.  
Zaeed had been up to the lab less than an hour ago. He walked in slowly, looking around. Mordin was quite surprised to see him there.  
"Zaeed? How can I help?" He asked, fingers still typing away. The bounty hunter was cool under all kinds of pressure, but there was a distinct air of nervousness in the room. He walked forward, looking around the room at the various machines and equipment. He stretched his muscled arms as he searched for - ah! There it was.   
"That one. Can I borrow it?" He asked, pointing to a machine that was, surprisingly, not in use.  
"The genetic analyzer? Go ahead. Won't need until tissue samples finished." Mordin explained. "If you have DNA samples ready, can run for you. No trouble. Results in 15 minutes." The salarian's wrinkled face smiled slightly. He loved teaching. Could explain genomes and DNA structure, if Zaeed is willing to listen. 15 minutes is enough time for a lesson. But Zaeed shook his head.  
"No, I'll do it myself. Just gonna take it to the cargo hold for a bit," He walked right over, unplugged it from the wall, and lifted it onto a rolling cart. "15 minutes, huh? Should have this back to you in no time, then." And just like that, he rolled out of the lab.   
Mordin was left speechless. What could this mean? Declining an offer for professional assistance? Desire to keep information private, most likely. Personal investment in results of genetic analysis. Mordin's thoughts raced.  
Zaeed is a bounty hunter. Not scientist. Think: what would non-scientist use genetic analysis for? Simple. Genealogy.   
Mordin was content for the moment, having narrowed down the possibilities in his mind to one or two. He decided he would wait for bounty hunter to return with the machine. Zaeed was most likely unaware that the machine he took is wirelessly connected to the lab. Mordin would get the results anyway, regardless of Zaeed's secrecy. Will keep it to myself, though. Doctor-patient confidentiality and all.

Zaeed had taken to the throwing knives now, flinging them across the room with such force that they buried themselves halfway in the wall. Suddenly the machine made a bell tone, startling Zaeed so bad that his next knife buried itself in the air vent. He rushed to the little machine, wiring it up to his computer. His pulse pounded in his ears as the data loaded. He didn't even know whether or not he wanted the results to be positive. If it was, it wouldn't feel any better than a kick in the quad. Then again, if it wasn't, he'd feel like he's losing his senses. He knew it in his gut, and his gut was just about always right. But he had to see it. He had to know for sure. 

Just when Mordin was feeling concerned over the length of time that had passed, EDI's holographic orb appeared across the lab.   
"Dr. Solus, data has been sent from the genetic analyzer that Zaeed took to the cargo hold."   
"Ah, EDI. Of course you noticed." Mordin was hardly surprised. For being an AI, EDI could be rather nosy. "Please, relay information."  
"I am currently analyzing the DNA to determine an identity of both parties. At the moment, I can conclude that both samples are human, one male, one female. It appears that Zaeed conducted a paternity test." EDI paused, almost hesitant to reveal this information that was hardly hers to share. "It was positive."  
"Ah. Interesting. Determining identities may be difficult, however. Just came back from the Citidel. Many humans there." Mordin shrugged off. He was right and unsurprised.  
"Dr. Solus, I have just matched identities to the two samples of DNA from files held by Operative Lawson. Zaeed is one of them."  
"Naturally. Expected that from his secrecy. Who is his child?" EDI seemed to hesitate again.   
"The DNA of the child belongs to Commander Shepherd." Mordin froze. For once, he was caught off guard.  
"Unexpected. EDI, run analysis with proper compensation for gene flow, natural mutation, computational errors. Are DNA samples clean?"  
"That is unnecessary. Zaeed himself has already run the results of the test through eight compounding programs. In the course of our conversation, he has started the test over entirely. He swapped out the previously analyzed hair for a blood sample. The results are unchanged." Mordin put his hand to his chin.  
"You're sure it's Shepherd?" The doctor asked.  
"The DNA is a 100% match. That is Commander Shepherd."


	2. Discovery

Zaeed wanted to rip out his churning stomach and toss it out the airlock. He tried to steady himself with one hand, bending over the table, while the results of the paternity test stared back at him with hard truth. His head swam with things he never wanted to think of, feelings he sure as hell never wanted to have. He thought over the first time he got a feeling that maybe he and the Commander had more in common than a goal. He hadn't noticed how similar they were until Joker said something.  
"Zaeed is like you, but takes checks." He remembers Joker saying to Shepherd. She turned to look at Zaeed as he came out of the airlock, smiling. Zaeed remembers chuckling himself. Sure, he didn't mind having himself compared to the first human Spectre, but what he didn't know was that moment would plant a thought in the back of his mind that would grow stronger each time they went out on a mission together. They worked together in a wordless, ruthless efficiency in combat; her biotics would send an enemy airborne out of cover, and he would shoot it down. It was natural. She could pop an incendiary round right into the middle of a target even when she was absolutely shitfaced, just like he could. It tickled him a little when he first heard her growl, "Goddamn" in a sentence, in just the place he would use it. He remembered Garrus laughing that all humans looked alike, especially Shepherd and Zaeed.  
"Maybe I'm just losing it," the turian chuckled. "But you two look so similar. You could be related, I mean, you have the same nose! But all humans look the same to me, I guess." It was Zaeed's turn later to feel like he was going crazy when he thought Garrus might be right. They both had the same ugly nose that was almost too big for their faces. But then he started seeing the cheekbones, the jawline, all these facial features that, underneath his years of wrinkles and scars, looked just like Shepherd's. It started to make him nervous.  
Mission after mission, he found more similarities, more things that reminded him of a younger version of himself; Shepherd was self-made, fearless, merciless to the enemy, but unfalteringly loyal and helpful to friends. He kept catching himself thinking of her as a chip off the old block, proud of the strength she had grown into. He had to keep reminding himself that she wasn't his daughter.  
But the screen was staring at him, hard and unfeeling. The truth was shining right into his face. He must have had a one-night stand back on Earth more than thirty years ago, back when he ran the Blue Suns. He knew what kind of girl Shepherd's mother must have been. Hooker, probably. Alcoholic too, or addict. Probably died when Shepherd was young or abandoned her. From then on, Shepherd had been on her own.  
It shouldn't bother him. Shepherd is not the first orphan kid in the galaxy, and she's no worse for the wear. Besides that, he was Zaeed Massani, ruthless bounty hunter and glorious badass. He shouldn't care at all.  
Yet he felt sick to his stomach, hating himself for abandoning a child he never knew existed. He had become his own goddamn father, the absent, empty image that youth made unable to recall, but hate made unable to forget. Thoughts of his early childhood flooded his mind: the alleys of garbage he picked for food, his mother' missing teeth and booze-soaked breath, and the idea of a father that he dreamed would find him - love him - and take him away from there. The years went by and innocence was shot in a dark alley, making the thought of his father, whoever he was, one of anger and abandonment.  
Zaeed had never wanted to be a father, but he would rather be dead than in any way be like his own to someone else. He couldn’t stand to look at his reflection in the windows of the Normandy. This was the lowest he'd felt in his whole life.

Hours later, Zaeed brought the machine back to Mordin. He rolled in, not making eye contact, and deposited the machine back on the table. The salarian tried to speak with him.  
"Zaeed, you're back. How did it go? Find anything… Interesting?" He ventured. The human never lifted his eyes.  
"Nope. Nothing."  
"I could run more tests, diagnostics. Help you-"  
"No thanks, Mordin." Zaeed cut him off, turned on his heel and was out the door. He trudged out, heading straight for the elevator. The moment he stepped in front of it, it opened.  
"Zaeed! I've been looking for you," Commander Shepherd smiled as she stepped out of the elevator. Zaeed's heart hit the bottom of his shoes. "EDI said you went to see Dr. Solus. What for?" Zaeed fumbled with the lie, terrified of what could come out of his mouth if he told the truth.  
"The, uh… the mission." Shepherd looked skeptical. "Wanted to know if he found any, uh, weak points on the collectors. Got nothin, just heading back down." He tried to move around her, but the commander stopped him.  
"Hey, I was looking for you for a reason. Some of us are heading down to the cargo bay for a little target practice. Wanna join?" Zaeed thought about it. He could sure as hell stand to blow off some steam, or just a way to take his mind off things.  
"Why the hell not? Meet you down there in 5," he replied. Shepherd smiled and let him take the elevator down.   
"Great. I'm headed to the armory," the commander explained before running off. He waited. He leaned, arms crossed, against the wall, thinking about the idea of having a daughter. He's stuck on this ship until the mission is over, and no one knows that he's Shepherd's father. He already was some kind of paternal figure to everyone on the crew just from his nature; maybe a weird, story-telling uncle to some, but a paternal figure nonetheless. Zaeed figured, as long as no one found out about their real relationship, he could act however he wanted. He could give fatherhood a try. What's the harm?


	3. Do you drink coffee?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added on to Chapter 2 as well... make sure you check that you're caught up!!!
> 
> Wouldn't want you to miss anything important. ;)
> 
> ****EDITED AND ADDED ON TO CHAPTER 3 AS WELL****  
> Re-read to catch up!

Zaeed and Shepard were having coffee. They were hiding out in the cargo hold with big mugs Shepard had bought on the Citadel, ducking their heads when someone went by the window. The commander had confessed to her bounty hunter friend a month earlier that, in all honesty, she was having trouble adjusting to the world after a two year coma. He could understand that. He was fairly sure he'd be pretty fucked up too, if he were in the same situation. He imagined how hard things must be for her; one minute, she's the hero of the galaxy, saving the Citadel and the Council from Saren, the geth, and Sovereign. She had a crew of infallible soldiers, technicians, and biotics from the Alliance and all over the galaxy. She even, if the gossip Zaeed was hearing had any merit, had a lover to depend on. And then, she suddenly wakes up in a lab, naked and unarmed, being told by an unknown voice that someone was trying to kill her. She got out of that situation to find that she's been dead to the world for two years, her crew and friends are gone and out of reach, the Council is denying the Reaper threat, and her lover's whereabouts were unknown. She's called a terrorist and a traitor, exiled by the Alliance and nearly so by the Council. To top it all off, she was being forced to work with Cerberus, the organization behind the horror she lived through on Akuze.  
The two years that everyone else had spent changing was just a nap to Shepard. Some days, it was easy. Some days, it wasn't, but her inner strength pulled her through. But there were bad days, days she disappeared into her cabin for hours, eyes rubbed a little red and puffy when she returned. She liked to go talk to her crew mates when she came back. She checked on everyone, almost as if she was trying twice as hard to make up for the time she took out for herself. He wished he could tell her not to try so hard, but he knew she'd never listen. She's stubborn as all hell, like someone else he knew.  
She kept coming back to Zaeed's little shoebox room to listen to his stories more and more on the bad days. Maybe, Zaeed thought, it was a decent escape from reality, like watching vid or something. Or maybe she just was gravitating towards him for their similarities she didn't know the full extent of. The idea of that made him excited, but it also drained the blood from his face and made him pale as a ghost. He finally asked her one day if she was feeling bothered, and when she told him that she was, his mouth started talking before his brain caught up.  
"Well, if you're, ah, feeling down, that is…" He juggled his words. He wanted to comfort her, wanted to find something fatherly to say but he had no experience or examples in that area, not to mention she was his commander, and his employ- You know what? Fuck it. "You like coffee, Shepard?" Her eyes blinked fast.  
"Y-yes…?"  
"I like coffee, I drink the shit out of it. Mess hall always keeps a pot on," He rambled. Shit, shit , shit. Get to the point, arsehole. He cleared his throat. "Nobody's gonna judge you for taking a coffee break, Shepard. Take a break. Whenever you need. Hell, I'll take a coffee break with you. We could duck into the cargo bay. Not a lot of through traffic there. Nice, quiet place to talk." He let it trail off, Shepard's quizzical brow taking some of the punch out of him.  
"So, you're saying when I'm not doing too well, we should hide in the cargo bay and drink coffee?" The older man took a deep breath.  
"Yeah."  
"Together?"  
"That's the idea, yeah."  
"And talk?"  
"Uh-huh. You know, if you don't feel like it, Shepard..." He started backtracking, trying to save face. He looked down from the ceiling tile he had been staring at to check the commander's face, to see if he stepped over a line. Her eyes still looked puffy, maybe even a little watery, but her darling overbite was pulled into a small smile. He changed his mind. "Anytime, just say the word. Or send a message. I can do coffee anytime." Shepherd wiped the corner of one of her eyes.  
"Okay, Zaeed. I'd… I'd like that."

So there they were, having coffee in the cargo hold, talking about crazy things they had done. Shepherd was a goddamn good listener, which was nice. Zaeed was a bit of a talker himself. It made for balanced conversation. The first time they had coffee, there was an air of awkwardness from the get-go. It started when she sent him a message after a conference with the Illusive Man.  
"Zaeed-  
I'd like to take you up on that invitation for coffee. If you have some free time, let me know.   
Shepard  
It was terribly formal and polite, and coming out of the shotgun-toting, krogan-headbutting commander, it was altogether odd. It was almost laughable, how out of character it was. Zaeed sent a reply.  
"Shepard-  
Meet you in 5.  
Zaeed  
P.S. - If you keep talking like you're walking on eggshells, I'll bash my head in on the wall."  
They met in the mess hall. Shepard gave a short wave. Her movements were small and self-conscious, like she was trying really hard not to be noticed at all. Zaeed sighed and shook his head. He filled a mug with coffee as the younger woman fidgeted. The old man rolled his eyes.  
"I'm gonna bash my head in if you keep acting like a schoolgirl," He warned.   
"Sorry. It's just nerves," Shepard explained. She reached for a mug, but Zaeed snatched it away.  
"Nope."  
She reached for it again, and Zaeed lifted it out of her reach again. Each time, Shepard got a little more frustrated, and Zaeed got a little more obstinate. He was trying to draw the real Shepard, the Shepard he knew, out of this anxious little shell.   
"You know what?" She sassed. Suddenly, she switched targets, and snatched up Zaeed's own full mug off the counter while he wasn't looking. "Fuck you!" She gloated. Zaeed grinned slyly.  
"Ha. Smartass."  
It was the beginning of a habit for both of them. Sometimes neither of them really wanted the coffee, but they met anyway, hiding behind the Kodiak and stacking crates for chairs and footrests. They leaned their backs against the wall and just talked. Sometimes they talked so much that the coffee got cold before they finished, and Zaeed never minded. Sometimes she'd laugh at a joke he made, and his heart would swell. Even if she never knew she was his daughter, if they could be just friends, then that would be enough for the old bounty hunter, he thought. But curiosity ate at him. There were things he still had to ask.


	4. What's in a name?

"Why does no one call you by your first name?" Shepard seemed surprised to be asked this. Her eyebrows popped up till they were partially obscured by her bangs.   
"Well, I guess I don't like it when they do," she explained, looking into her cup thoughtfully. Zaeed didn't mean to pry. Actually, that's a lie. He means to pry into his only daughter's life, to learn as much as he can about her. He liked to tell himself that he didn't mean to, though. It made him feel better about himself when he pressed the deflected questions.  
"Why not?" He asked.  
"Because no one can pronounce it," she elaborated calmly. Her lips parted, blowing on to her coffee and sending small swirls of steam whirling into the air. "It's Lowry."  
"Seems easy enough. Lory."   
"No, it's Lowry!" she furrowed her eyebrows a little as she looked at her aging companion. "Low-ry. Low, like lay low, and Ry, like reload. Lowry."  
"Lowry."  
"There, you got it! Now why can't everybody else in the goddamn galaxy…" Zaeed felt a smile tug at his mouth and tried to repress it. His daughter's name. He took a sip of his coffee. It was molten hot, but he didn't mind. He knew her name.  
"Why such a stickler, though? Why the specifics?" His low voice rumbled.  
"Well," Shepard began, pushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I grew up on Earth, in the Big Apple. Not in nice Megatropolis New York, in Old New York. So I have an accent, you know? I kind of used to say New York like 'Noo Yuoak'. It's not so bad now, because I kept working on it, but people hear it sometimes." She raised the cup to her lips and blew on it gently. "It was really important to me that people say my name correctly. I guess it's because I chose it myself." A little bit of Zaeed's stomach knotted up.  
"You… named yourself?"  
"Yeah. My mother only called me sweetie or baby or 'you little shit'. Don't think she remembered to give me a name before she died. So I named myself Lowry. Anyway, I never liked the way those uptight assholes from the Megatropolis would say my name, so I just told them to call me Shepard." She took a long, thoughtful swig of her drink. Zaeed watched her, studying her face, waiting for some kind of sign. She had something on her mind, but he didn't know what. He felt more than a little clueless. He'd never really cared what some one thought of him before, and he wasn't all that good at dealing with people anyway. But he wanted this to go right. He cleared his throat.  
"So, Lowry- has it got a meaning?" He asked. Shepard smirked and gave a noncommittal shrug.  
"Hell if I know, Zaeed," she replied. She looked at him for the first time in a while. Unlike so much of the rest of her, her eyes bore no resemblance to him. They were blue violet, like a distant star cluster, or like dormant eezo around a mass effect core. Maybe it was a side effect of having biotic powers like she did. Anything was possible with Shepard. She was unusual; and her name fit.  
"Does yours?" She asked, catching the bounty hunter a little off guard. "Does your name have a meaning?" The bounty hunter took a quick sip of his coffee.  
"It's Arabic. Means "favorable", "felicitous", or just plain right for the job," He explained. His stomach rocked a little. He hadn't told anyone that in… well, maybe he'd never told anyone at all. He took a bigger gulp of coffee and let the bitterness burn down.   
"So… Your name is Arabic for Goldilocks?" Shepard snickered. The old bounty hunter's face cracked with a grin as he gave his commanding officer an elbow to the ribs.  
"You shut the hell up," he hissed. Shepard rubbed her side and just laughed. God, what a sound. Shepard laughed loud enough for eight people, emptying her lungs of air completely before nearly wheezing into the second bout. It was infectious, unabashed, and beautiful somehow. She wound herself down eventually, and got back to conversation.   
"Honestly, honestly though, it's a great name," she admitted. "Great name for a bounty hunter who gets the job done."  
"Thanks. I always thought it meant I was lucky." The old bounty hunter looked up at the ceiling lights. "I always make it out alive, no matter the odds."  
"That's… actually badass. I picked "Lowry" because I liked the way it sounded. Wish my name meant something like that." Ah! There it was. Late, but there; the signal Zaeed was looking for. Shepard let out a forced chuckle, the way he knew she did whenever she took a hit and tried to walk it off. The sign that something had stung the thick skin she built up over the years. His hand felt weak as he reached out to pat Shepard on the shoulder. It landed softer than he intended, but still catching her attention. He gave her shoulder a light squeeze.  
"I like it. Lowry," he said, slowly. He gave her shoulder another gentle squeeze. "When all this is said and done, it'll mean something. And it'll be you who makes it that way." He pulled his hand back. Shepard gave another chuckle, one that was much more real, and looked up at the ceiling.   
"Huh. I guess I never thought of it that way," she said, her mouth hinting at a smile. She glanced at Zaeed's scarred face. "That means a lot to me."  
"Just telling the truth, Lo."   
"Lo?" Her eyebrows shot up.  
"Yeah," he said as he stretched his free arm. "It's a nickname. Never been given a nickname before?"  
"No, it's just… surprising." She took a long sip of her coffee, since it was finally a good drinking temperature.  
"You have a nickname?" Zaeed asked incredulously. "What is it? Skippy?" The commander almost spat her coffee. She swallowed it with a gulp and gave a breathless laugh.  
"No! No, it's not Skippy. It's not." She coughed and cleared her throat before continuing. "Actually, Shepard is a nickname. It's not my real name."  
"You gotta be goddamn kidding!"


	5. A Rose by Any Other Name

"So, let me get this straight," Zaeed chuckled, sitting down next to his daughter on a creaky crate in the cargo hold. "Shepard, the name everyone calls you by, which they think is your last name, is a nickname?" It seemed unbelievable. He figured Shepard was her mother's last name, so this struck him.  
"Yep, sure is," The younger soldier replied nonchalantly. Zaeed shifted his shoulders to face her better. She was barely able to hide her smile behind her cup.  
"Now this has got to have a story to it."  
"I thought you were the storyteller, Zaeed," she teased, cuddling up to the warmth of the coffee cup.  
"Not today, Lo. Your turn," he said. "You can't expect to get off that easy."  
"Well, I never had a last name, not that I remember. I didn't give myself one because I never had a reason to. Lowry was enough," she began. Zaeed nodded, attentive. It's not everyday that Shepard talks about herself. He was all ears. "People started calling me Shepard after this one job with the Reds, in New York. I was young, and a dozen kinds of stupid. Just got my first gun; an old model Scimitar shotgun. We got hired to storm a heavily guarded warehouse. I never knew until after the job, but the rookie charge was never supposed to make it inside. We were just supposed to soak up enemy fire. So, shit hit the fan pretty quick." Zaeed tried to imagine the scene in his head as the commander told the story.

He saw a scrawny girl with a shotgun and a scavenged helmet skitter behind some cover, nearly falling. She was as green as fresh grass. The bullets flew around her, skimming the edges of the cover and embedding themselves in the concrete. Her chest heaved up and down in panic. She scanned the field around her; whoever was left had taken cover like her, terrified. She could hear someone near her muttering a Hail Mary, and someone else crying and repeating "God, oh god, we're gonna die. We're all gonna die" over and over. She couldn't tell him he was wrong. They had been moving up to the warehouse slowly, losing men each step of the way. Anyone who was slow got filled with holes. They were outnumbered and outgunned, good as dead. She peeked over the cover when the shooting slowed. There were a dozen men between them and the entrance, but none of them had done as much damage as the sniper in the window of the warehouse. She ducked, and a loud shot rang out over her head. The sniper had just barely missed her. She counted one shot.  
She reloaded her shotgun, careful not to jam it. She only had one chance, and she wasn't about to waste it. Another shot rang out overhead. He was trying to scare them out of cover, she thought. This sniper was good, and so was his weapon; high powered rifle with an impressive slug, but remarkably small clip size and a terrible reload time. That would be Lowry's lucky break. She finished loading her shotgun and waited.  
Suddenly, the crying merc stood up, weaponless and with his hands in the air. "I surrender!" He screamed. "I surrender, just let me li-". A third shot rang out. The merc fell over like a pillar of marble. He landed with a wet thud, blood pooling immediately around his head. Lowry had to look away. She had forgotten that exit wounds are much larger than entry wounds. She took deep breaths to try and calm her shaking hands. God, there wasn't an ounce of mercy in that bastard. One more shot left now.  
She gripped the grenade she swiped off the rookie squad leader's corpse tightly, made sure it was easy to detach. Her body tensed as she waited to hear the final shot. There were maybe a handful of Red's left now. The man who was praying broke out into an off-key rendition of Amazing Grace.  
"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like…" BANG. Fourth shot, aimed right at the ground beside the crate that singing jackass was hiding behind. Apparently the sniper wasn't one for religious tunes. But if that idiot hadn't been so annoying, the sniper probably wouldn't have emptied his clip, giving Lowry the opening she needed.  
She springs out of the cover without hesitation, in a mad dash towards the enemy through a spray of bullets. Her shields barely hold out. She vaults over the enemy cover, splattering a crouching merc with a shotgun blast along the way. She cocks her shotgun again and takes a point blank shot at the man next to her. Even a shitty shotgun is a good shotgun if you're close enough.  
She can really see the sniper now. He's struggling to aim at her without the ability to use his tripod. He starts firing, but the kickback on his rifle is too strong to use ungrounded. He misses terribly, causing some friendly fire. Lowry climbs up some crates. Finally, she's close enough to the window, and she rips the grenade from its hook on her belt and presses the detonator. The sniper sees what she's doing and tries to shoot. He misses. She gives the grenade a furious overhand pitch right into the window onto the sniper's lap.  
"Eat this, you son of a bitch!"  
The explosion blew out the windows of warehouse and some of the wall, it's massive sound still ringing in Lowry's ears as she struggled to sit up. The force of it had knocked her off the crate she was standing on. Her nose hurt like a bitch. She reached up and felt the wetness of her own blood, not sure if it was from a broken nose or a shrapnel wound. She could still see straight, that was good. When she got her hearing back, she realized she was sitting in the middle of a firefight. Reds reinforcements had come out of hiding and were charging down the street towards the warehouse. Adrenaline was flowing in her veins like heroin. She got to her feet, shotgun ready, letting out a battle cry as loud as her young voice could carry.  
Her shoulders looked wider than ever as she marched towards the entrance to the warehouse, taking pot shots at enemies left and right, regardless of the accuracy. She kicked in the door to the warehouse and came face to face with a merc. She pulled the trigger, but nothing happened. Out of ammo. So in her wild rage, she used the shotgun as a club and dented his face in a permanent fashion. She heaved and gasped for breath, nearly exhausted. Reds stormed the warehouse and secured it while she stood, trying to regain her breath.  
"Praise the Lord, praise the Lord," called the annoying zealot. Even the reinforcements were sick of this guy. They ignored him. Someone gave Lowry a rough shove.  
"What the hell do you think you're doing, rookie? You trying to be some damn hero?" He accused. Lowry didn't know the voice, and didn't care. She snapped, grabbing him by the collar of his chestplate and pressing her hot, bloody shotgun to his chin.  
"I killed at least four men just now, DO you wanna be number five?"  
The warehouse filled with tension.  
"I wouldn't piss her off, Jansen," a low voice chuckled. "Let'm go, he's just a jealous little shit." Surprisingly, she complied. She turned to the speaker, who turned out to be the local leader of the Reds. When he saw her face, he looked visibly surprised. "Woah, looks like you took a hit, huh? Well, I guess when you single-handedly storm a barricade, shit happens." He looked around at the men in the warehouse.  
"Listen up, you shit for brains: this rookie just showed every one of you up. She's got more balls than any of you! It’s a miracle that any of her squad made it out alive," He began. He was interrupted by the slightly unhinged religious man.  
"A miracle! Praise the Lord!"  
"Shut up!" The man grew quiet for a moment. "Listen, kid. You got what it takes to be a Red. You wanna be full time? You got it. But first we gotta get your face fixed and get you a drink." He was interrupted again.  
"Oooooh, the Lord is my Shepard, I SHALL not- UMPH!" The boss socked that lunatic right in the gut, and he doubled over to the ground.  
"The lord isn't your fucking - Shepard - you dumb bastard! SHE is!" Lowry grinned, even though it stung to move her face. The boss threw a lazy, heavy arm around the young woman. "Now come on, mighty Shepard, before your face falls apart."

"Huh! And from then on, you just went by Shepard?" Zaeed asked. Shepard gave a solid nod before sipping on her coffee and making a face- too bitter. They had gotten coffee with each other enough for Zaeed to be prepared for this. He produced a packet of sugar from a hiding spot between crates and handed it to Shepard. She looked surprised but took the sugar anyway. "All because of some religious kook."  
"I liked it, no matter how it came to me," She explained, stirring the sugar into her mug.  
"Seems like the sort of crazy thing you'd do, though."  
"I was young! I didn't know anything about fighting. I thought it would make me look cool," she explained. "Looking back, it was stupid crazy. I got lucky." The corners of the old bounty hunter's mouth tugged into a taught smile. He couldn't hold himself back from mentioning their similarity.  
"Lucky like someone else we know, huh?" Goddammit. If it were possible to suck words back into your mouth right after saying them, Zaeed would've done it just now. Shepard eyed him, raising one of her eyebrows.  
"Yeah, I guess." Change the subject. Back to her.  
"And that's how you got the scar?" Zaeed asked, clearing his throat.  
"This? Oh, yea. Shrapnel busted my face right across my nose. Looks better now that it's been put back together by Cerberus, though," she said, running her finger along the firm ridge that spanned almost her entire face horizontally. Of course his daughter would also inherit his knack for getting hit in the face. He imagined the wound when it was fresh, and it made him cringe to think about how painful it was. Lo was tough as nails. If she inherited that from Zaeed, then they had more in common than he thought. He tried to distract himself by joking with her.  
"It's still huge. Takes up your whole face," he teased.  
"I know! It's my nose, isn't it? Makes it look bigger."  
"I think your nose looks just fine. Fits your face nice. Not like mine." God. Dammit. He needs to put a lid on it. Shepard turned to face him fully, studying his features. "Quit staring! You're face will get stuck like that." The Commander sighed and shook her head.  
He needs to be more careful, or else she'll put two and two together.  
And she might never speak to him again.


	6. Horizon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait!! I had finals to study for and whatnot, so it took me a while to get this one all typed out and edited. Thank you guys for all the lovely comments, it really puts the biggest smile on my face to read what you guys say!! It means so much to me. Thank you!!!
> 
> This chapter covers some in-game, canon events. I kept a lot of the original dialogue, with some alterations to Shepard's in an effort to bring out Lowry's unique personality without destroying the meaning behind the original Shepard's lines. Also, very, very sorry if you ship FemShep/Kaiden!!!
> 
> Happy belated birthday, Azrie!!!

Horizon. Yeah, that was the name. Little back-water colony in the middle of no where that no one cared about it until the Collector attack. It lived in many people's memories as an earth-shaking revelation, a paradigm shift that most couldn't wrap their heads all the way around until years later. Zaeed wouldn't argue that he didn't experience a little bit of that. That just wasn't as important to him as other things that happened. 

Before meeting Shepard, his personal and public lives were separate. There was a firm line between what he did and how he felt, and he never let the two mix. It was easier that way, jobs went smoother, triggers were pulled faster, and it hurt less to be betrayed. Clean, simple, numb, and easy. But then Shepard had to happen. Lowry Shepard had to come into his life and complicate things. He talks with his daughter in the cargo hold of the ship he works on. They're on every mission together. That firm line he used to have was getting thinner and more blurred all the time, like that one time on Omega. He knew he should have just stayed in cover until he got a clear shot of the krogan, that would have been the smart thing to do. But there was a vorcha with a flamethrower coming up on Shepard and he suddenly, he was paralyzed. His hands wouldn't lift the gun in either direction and he couldn't make up his mind between what the beating, bleeding thing in his chest wanted and the job he was goddamn paid to do. He doesn't get paid to feel. 

If he had needed his head on straight, Horizon was the wrench that torqued it into the right place. 

The seeker swarms filled the sky of the little colony like a jungle canopy. They buzzed loud and angry, like giant, green mosquitoes, and it was enough to make your skin crawl. Thank everything that Mordin's repellant worked. But the place was a nightmarish ghost town, statues of living people scattered everywhere. The colonists never stood a chance, and that's the goddamn truth. Shepard, Garrus, and Zaeed were the first boots on the ground. It was more than a little unnerving, with the husks everywhere.  
"These husks are different from the ones on Eden Prime. They're… evolved," Shepard worried, poking at a husk with her foot.  
"Doesn't matter. They die, just like anything else," Zaeed asserted. Shepard glanced at her bounty hunter friend and smiled just a little. Good. Keeping Shepard's confidence high was one of Zaeed's top priorities when they were out on a mission. Not that it was difficult, considering that she was 100% the headstrong little smartass he was at that age, but sometimes she'd get nervous. It always had something to do with the two years she was out, something about how the world she knew had changed since she last saw it. Reminding her that it was nothing more than she could handle was part of the job. Wasn't it? This is what he was hired for, getting the job done, keeping Shepard focused. It has nothing to do with being her father, nothing at all. He doesn't get paid to feel. Back to the mission.  
Horizon was in shambles, but Zaeed had mentally prepared for this, and to be honest, had seen worse. These people were alive, they could be rescued. They were lucky. Zaeed had been places that were decimated, where every civilian that had lived there was already gone. He'd seen too much to be broken up about people that were still alive. 

He still thought that it looked a ghost town though, and he knows better than most that the ghosts that come to haunt you are rarely the ones you're prepared to see. 

They chased off the Collector ship with that anti-aircraft laser, saving what colonists hadn't already been taken. They didn't destroy it, but they dealt a significant blow to the Collector's plan. Job well done, Zaeed thought. He ignored that chicken-shit engineer and his bitching when he ran up to the group. If he cared so much about the people on that ship, why didn't he just save them himself, huh?  
"Stop yelling at Lo, you hypocrite," he growled low and quiet, not even loud enough for her to hear. Then he bit his lower lip hard. He had to stop himself. He can't get defensive like this. He's a hired gun, he's here to do a job, he can't let anything change that. That's all he is to her, anyway. He doesn't get paid to feel.

Suddenly there was a voice calling for Shepard, and Zaeed whipped around to target it. It was some Alliance brass, young fellow with dark hair, approaching Shepard. He was saying something about Shepard and the Citadel, and some mention of a ghost. Zaeed didn't care. He kept the sights of his rifle on this stranger's chest until told otherwise. He doesn't get paid to feel.

"Kaiden," Shepard sighed. Zaeed could spy a relieved smile on her face as she lowered her gun, eyes locked on the Alliance kid. Slowly, they moved to each other and offered a stiff hug. Zaeed put his rifle down. Over Shepard's shoulder, Zaeed saw the young man's face more clearly. He smiled for maybe a half a second before he started scowling and letting go. Shepard held on, turning her face towards the crook of his neck, but Kaiden continued to pull away.  
"I thought you were dead. We all did." There was indignation in his voice. Uh-oh.  
"Been a long time, hasn't it, Kaiden? How have you been? It's good to see you," Shepard began, breathing in like she hasn't smelled fresh air in years. She was all smiles, glowing. She didn't even notice Kaiden's clenched fists. "My god, it's good to see you."  
"That's all you have to say? You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?" he exploded, even as he backed away. Shepard flinched out of shock. Zaeed glanced at Garrus and took note of his outright confusion. Zaeed didn't have a goddamn clue who this "Kaiden" was, but the name sounded familiar. Served with Shepard on the original Normandy, maybe? He listened as the young man went on, angry and hurt.  
"I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real. I... I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that?" He accused.

Ah. Made sense now. Kaiden was Shepard's... boyfriend.

"I… I'm sorry Kaiden," Shepard apologized, taken aback by the sudden outburst. "I was clinically dead. It took two years to put me back together. I couldn't have contacted you. And when I could, well...." She was trying to think of the best way to explain it. It was already difficult, and Kaiden's scowl was not helping. She continued.  
"I didn't know if you would believe it was me. Or if you even wanted to hear from me. I thought maybe you had moved on. I didn't want to hurt you, Kaiden. Honest."  
"I did move on," he snapped back at her. "At least, I thought I did. But now we've got reports about you and Cerberus. "

"Reports?" Garrus interrupted. "You mean you already knew." It wasn't a question. The look on the turian's face was quickly changing from confusion to frustration.

"Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing colonies. They got a tip that this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy." Every word was an attack. Tempers were flaring. Zaeed was having an awful time trying to keep himself from shooting this Alliance brat in the foot just to shut him up. What was he thinking, talking to Lo like that? Shit. He meant Shepard. She was Shepard on missions, and Lo in the cargo hold with coffee in her hand and a smile on her lips. Keep them separate. Keep his emotions out of it. He doesn't get paid to feel.

"People are disappearing, and the Alliance turned their back on them," she explained, low and serious. That was her warning voice, the same one she uses to give her enemies one last chance to surrender before they go to meet oblivion at the wrong end of a biotic charge. "I'm not just going to sit around while good people die, Kaiden. Cerberus is the only group doing something about it."  
"You can't really believe that!" He got in her face, bristling with some self-justified rage. "We both know what Cerberus is like. What they're capable of. I wanted to believe the rumors you were alive, but I never expected anything like this." He went on and on, letting the words fly. He wasn't holding back, if he ever was to begin with.  
"You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me," he hissed, brow furrowed as he looked down on her like he meant for every word to hurt. The skin across the knuckles of Zaeed's hands turned white as his grip on his rifle tightened. He wanted to wring that ungrateful little shit's neck. It's like he wasn't even happy Lo was alive. He just wanted her to feel the pain he had felt. Where the hell does that little bastard get off telling her that he loved her? This wasn't love. Zaeed was sure of that.  
"Betrayed you? What? Look, I don't trust Cerberus either. And I've got more reason to hate them than you know, Kaiden." Shepard lit into him. If he wanted a fight, he's got one now. "I'm just doing what I've always done; the most good with what I have. This is all I have right now." She made every word count.  
"Kaiden, you know me. You know I wouldn't be doing this unless it was for the right reasons. You saw it yourself. The Collectors are taking human colonies. And they're working with the Reapers!"  
"I want to believe you, Shepard. But I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?"  
He's the one fucking manipulating her, trying to make her question her resolve. He shamed her for being in a coma. No one fucking does that. Zaeed tried to take deep breaths. He was getting too protective. He doesn't get paid to feel.

"Damn it, Kaiden!" Garrus interjected, more than fed up with this bullshit. "You're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat." Shepard glanced back at the turian and gave a short nod of agreement.

"I hate them too, but you can't let that blind you to the facts."  


"Maybe. Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight," sneered that little arsewipe, not even addressing Garrus. It was all aimed at Shepard, all meant to make her doubt or hate herself. Shepard had already lost her ability to stay cool. Zaeed was starting to wish that she'd just snap and just give him the order to make Kaiden a smear on the pavement.  
Goddammit. Calm down. This is not what Zaeed Massani gets paid to do. He is a goddamn professional and will act the part, like it or not. There has to be separation, there has to be a line or else things get hard and everything comes back, all the guilt in the pit of his stomach and every friend he's ever watched die, all the suffering he's wrought with his own two hands laid bare for him to wonder how it is he ever sleeps at night. He doesn't get paid to feel.

"You've changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be."  
"I changed? How could I have changed? I was in a coma for two years! I am exactly the same as I was!" She shouted, incredulously.  
"I'm not listening to this," He said, turning away. "I've got to get back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not." He started to walk away, somehow ready to leave after seeing Shepard for the first time in two years. Zaeed thought Shepard was about to tear Kaiden apart when her face softened unexpectedly. Her shoulders collapsed like her confidence as she drew into herself. She didn't look so tall or proud or strong anymore.

"Kaiden, wait. Let me start over. That didn't go right, let me fix it. Please, just… hear me out," she pleaded. Her voice was soft and fragile. Zaeed couldn't believe his ears. This was supposed to be Shepard, consummate badass, in her full body armor and armed to the teeth; not Lo, who had an overbite and blue eyes, sitting in the cargo bay with her knees up to her chin. But she sounded like his Lo, looked like his Lo, and no matter how much he tried to forget that it really was her under that armor, he couldn't. She took a deep breath.  
"I'm so glad you're alright. It's so good to see you again. And I'm so sorry about what you went through, I am." She paused. She was desperately trying to save what they had. "Kaiden, I miss you. The Normandy isn't the same without you. I know you've had a rough time without me these past two years, but my feelings for you haven't changed at all. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but we can get through this. We always do."  
Sweet, sweet girl. She smiled, bright and hopeful, staring at the back of Kaiden's head like she was watching the sun rise for the first time after an age of darkness. Zaeed wished with everything in his power that Kaiden would just turn around and see her, see the way she loved him even when they fought. If he didn't, Zaeed would have to watch all that hope crumble away from Lo's face. And that would break him.  
"Come with me, Kaiden. It'll be us against everything again. Like old times." Zaeed watched as the younger man paused his steps. Turn around, Zaeed pleaded in his thoughts. Turn around and tell her that you'll come back! A taught wire of tension seemed to wrap itself around Zaeed's throat, making it hard to swallow the lump that was forming there. Kaiden looked over his shoulder.

"No, it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus. Goodbye Shepard. And be careful." With that, he did the most unthinkable thing: He walked away. A little silence passed between them all as the Alliance veteran doubled his distance from them. Lowry clenched her fists and took a deep breath.  
"So that's it? You're just walking away? After everything we've been through, you're walking away?!" She shouted after him, voice high-pitch and hurt. Kaiden continued to walk, not even flinching. She shouted after him one last time. "You're not even gonna try to make this work?!"  
Nothing.  
"Oh my god..." she gasped, quietly. "He's not even gonna try." She bit her lip, and her shoulders shook as she tried her best to inhale. It was too much, it was all too much. Tears that had been pooling in her eyes finally fell, each one dropping like a bomb on Zaeed's heart.

He never knew he could care for one person so much that it would make him feel like a grenade just went off inside his own chest. 

That would be better, actually, than how he really felt. It was the realest, rawest agony that kept burning every time he watched Lo try to pick herself up, lifting her chin to try and hold the tears back as she called the Normandy.  
"Joker, come pick us up. I've had enough of this colony."  
Goddammit. Goddamn colony. Goddamn bastard, breaking her heart! Lo tried to apologize for being IN A COMA, and that's how she's treated?  
No. Hell no. This is never happening again. No one is ever going to hurt this girl again. My girl, Zaeed decided, thinking to himself as the Kodiak made it's way back to the Normandy. I don't give a damn what I'm paid for, he thought, mind as made up as it would ever be. She's my girl, my daughter, my Lo. No matter what.


	7. Concrete Boots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! The long-awaited new chapter is here!! Thank you so much for your patience! I hope you like it.
> 
> I just wanted to let you know, I'm not going to forget about this story. It means so much to me, and I plan to see it all the way through. This chapter took a long time to get here because I'm going through a really rough period in my life right now. Sometimes, things are really difficult for me, and I'm trying to work though some rough emotional stuff. But your comments and kudos are the world to me and they really help me keep going, even if it's a day at a time. Seriously, you guys are the best. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
> 
> This story means too much to me to just up and leave it! I'm gonna keep holding on, and I hope all of you keep holding on for an new chapter. :)

Zaeed paced his shoebox room, anxious and checking his email over and over. It had been a week since Horizon, and Lo hadn't asked for coffee. He was starting to worry about her. Maybe she needs space, he thought. Just a bit of space to breathe after having her heart broken so viciously. It still made him nervous that she hadn't been on any missions, though. This wasn't like her. Even when the universe was going to hell, she kept moving, according to Garrus at least. He remembered the turian coming down to talk to him the other day. It was no small surprise to see him. 

When the door slid open, Zaeed jumped at the sound. He looked up, hoping to see Lowry, and quite obviously made a disappointed face when Garrus was the one in the doorway.   
"Hey Zaeed," Garrus said, walking into the room. Zaeed went back to lazily giving Jessie's barrel a shine. He liked to keep the old girl looking good.   
"Garrus," he nodded.   
"Rough mission, huh? Horizon, I mean."   
"Yeah."   
"For Shepard, especially," Garrus opened up. Zaeed's heart jumped. "I knew her way back when. She and Kaiden were inseparable." Zaeed set Jessie down. This was a new look into his daughter's life that he hadn't known. He hadn't thought about it, but Garrus had been with her since the beginning of her Spectre status. Maybe Garrus would have more insight.   
"Were they really?"   
"Yeah. They were on every mission together," the turian explained, leaning back against the wall. "Shepard lit up when Kaiden was around. Never understood what a woman as impressive as Shepard was doing with a guy like that, honestly. She was always out of his league. Some of the crew used to call him 'Lieutenant Raincloud', if that gives you any idea what he's like." He shook his head and scoffed.   
"Sounds like a real goddamn peach. Has he always been such an ass to her, though?" Garrus chuckled a little, wide chest rumbling.   
"Hah. Does it really look that bad from the outside? I guess it's hard for me to see, having been around them so long," He crossed his arms. "I didn't think the fight on Horizon was even serious until Shepard apologized. I was so used to hearing them fight that I thought everything was fine." Zaeed suddenly realized he was clenching his fist when it started to hurt. He opened and closed it a few times, concentrating on the feeling. He knows Lo is a grown-ass woman and that there's no reason to be butting in on her relationships with grown-ass men. Even as her father, he doesn't have any right to treat her like she can't make her own decisions.   
He could still be angry though.   
"So, as someone who knows her pretty well," Zaeed breathed out, trying to sound as casual as he could with concern clogging his throat. "How would you say she's taking it?" Garrus sighed, rubbing his brow with the tips of his fingers.   
"Uhm. Well, I would hardly know. She hasn't been out of her room in days. But you knew that." There was an uncomfortable pause as the words rested on the tip of Garrus's tongue. He didn't wasn’t to say it, but it was the truth. He was Shepard's right hand, wasn't he? Supposed to have her back no matter what. No Shepard without Vakarian. But maybe being her right hand was more than just blind support. Maybe it sometimes meant he had to be so honest that it hurt.   
"She's never done this before, holing up in her quarters? Bringing the mission to a standstill? That's not the Shepard I know. Even when Ash died, Shepard kept moving, no matter what," the turian finally admitted. "I didn't think that a breakup could do this to her."   
"Don't underestimate the power of a broken heart," Zaeed grumbled, reaching for Jessie again. He thought about the times he'd seen Lo with red around her eyes, even before Horizon. No one, not even Shepard, could make it through what she has without feeling the hurt. "I should let you go. Talk more later, Garrus."   
"Right. Good talk, Zaeed," He said as he exited the room. Now that he was gone, Zaeed started to wonder at the purpose of the visit. Did he really come down to talk just for that? Unusual, but unimportant. What mattered right now was Lo. 

Now Zaeed was tired of waiting. He trekked out of his room to the elevator, but paused for a moment with his hand hovering over the button. This would be the most intrusive he's ever been in her life, and worry froze him. Would she shut him out if he pried? It would kill him if she pushed away now, after he's made up his mind about being a father to her on and off the field. He clenched his outstretched hand, then pushed the button. The elevator door slid open. Standing there, a little to the side, was his daughter, who had come down the elevator herself to see him.   
They stared at each other, surprised for a moment. She studied his face as he studied hers, black hair a mess on her head, bangs hanging into her sightline, blue eyes bloodshot from a lack of sleep, holding a datapad in one hand and a half-empty bottle of brandy in the other. She was leaning heavily on the back of the elevator for balance. Once the surprise faded out of her face, her eyebrows bunched up in a pained expression.   
"Zaeed," she mumbled, leaning forward and trying to walk to him. The bounty hunter rushed to her, catching her by the shoulders.   
"Easy, easy there, Lo," he soothed, putting her arm around his broad shoulders. They walked slowly towards Zaeed's room, while Shepard tried not to lean on him too much. Even stupid-drunk, she had her pride.   
"I was… comin' to see yah," she grumbled. Her Old New York accent was peeking out.   
"Yeah? I was on my way to you too." He helped her sit down. She let out a heavy, brandy-coated sigh when she sat, pulling the datapad on to her lap. "Now, what's the matter?"   
"Hah. Do I look that bad?" she laughed grimly. The bottle lifted up to her lips, resting there as she spoke with the echo of it's half-empty glass. "Well, Zaeed, I'll give you three guesses. The first two don't count."   
"It's that goddamn Alliance kid we met on Horizon, isn't it?" Lowry nodded, then took a swig from the bottle.   
"Yeahhh. Him. THE him. Major Kaiden Alenko, professional naysayer and glass-half-empty announcer." Her voice was bitter and more than a little angry. Zaeed tried to hold eye contact with her, but she wouldn't hold his gaze.   
"He's an arse, yeah. And he betrayed your trust," he started, trying to get her to look at him. "But he's one man, Lo. You defeated Saren and an army of robot killers, lead by a ship that claimed godhood. A thousand armies couldn't slow you down. Why did one man give you concrete boots, huh? How could he stop you?" She finally looked at him, eyebrows aligned in a flat line with a sullen glare.   
"This is why. Here, you read it," she grumbled, nearly tossing him the datapad. Onscreen was a e-mail from Kaiden. 

Shepard,   
I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?   
Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside.   
But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die -- on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself.   
When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care.   
\--Kaidan 

"What the ever-loving shit is this?" Zaeed growled as he read.   
"He sent me that not long after we left Horizon. I was so pissed after we met, but now... I don't know. I don't know how to feel. Maybe I'm wrong to be mad, I don't know." He watched her stare at the ground, both hands on the bottle.   
"Well, then let me ask you something," Zaeed proposed, taking a seat next to her. She looked up expectantly. "If you had done this to him, said everything he said, questioned everything about who he is, not just about now or about Cerberus, but this, too." He pointed to the datapad.   
"About what?"   
"This... Ilos thing. The night you had together. He's questioned everything about what you had. Everything that you are," he paused a moment to let it sink in. "Now, here's my question: if you had done the same thing... would he forgive you?"   
Her hands wrung the neck of the bottle like squeezing the clear glass could let out a better answer than the one dawning on her mind.   
"Would he?" Zaeed pressed. Lowry looked up at the ceiling, inhaling loudly and letting in a choked huff.   
"No. No, he - he wouldn't."   
"There's your answer, Lo," Zaeed whispered, gentle as his voice could be. It hurt to watch her wrestle with it, but he couldn't leave. She needed him right now. She wiped her nose and sniffed loudly.   
"I can't believe he'd ask me if I remember Ilos. I don't have fucking amnesia, God!" She slammed her fist on the wall. "I mean, I was in a coma. What was I supposed to do? It's not like I got blown to bits on purpose!" The old bounty hunter nodded. He let her frustrations vent out, fill the room with angry air.   
"You've got every right to be goddamn angry, Lo." She looked at him, took another swig from the bottle.   
"I do. I am. But," she hesitated, with heartache that anger forced down welling up again in her throat and eyes again. "After everything, all that we went through, after all the shit, I know - I know! - he and I, we'll never really work. We've always been like this, and I know we'll never change. And yet... I want it to work. I want us to work."   
"You know he's only gonna pull you down."   
"I know! I know," she said, voice creaking a little around the sadness. "So then why... Why do I still want to forgive him?" Zaeed took a big breath.   
"I think you know why, Lo." Her eyebrows crumpled in pain as the tears started down her brandy-flushed cheeks.   
"I love him. That's why," she cried, bringing her feet up on to the crate and hugging them tight. "But he doesn't really love me." Zaeed took the bottle from her hands as her chest lurched in awful sobs she tried to keep quiet. She bit her bottom lip, but the sounds of her painful crying came out around it. Zaeed reached a careful arm around her shoulders as she tipped over into him, tears falling on his shirt. He whispered to her, gently. He wished she didn't have to feel this right now, or ever. He wished she never had to cry for a man who didn't love her. He'd give up this moment, this comfort, this closeness they have if it would spare her precious heart at all.   
But it wouldn't, now, would it?   
He'd just have to hold his daughter steady as the waves of grief and loneliness wash over her, hold her tight and try to keep her from being washed away.


	8. A Goddamned Grudge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!
> 
> The long awaited chapter nine is here!!! Hurray!!! This is part 1 of Zaeed's loyalty mission with Lowry Shepard. I hope you enjoy it :)
> 
> Thank you to everyone who gave kudos or comments! Like I said at the last chapter's preface, I was having a really rough time. My life was in emotional upheaval and although I don't think everything's healed, I'm certain that things have stabilized. Part of it was finally ending a dying relationship with my significant other, where I was constantly worrying about them not loving me anymore. Unfortunately, my worries were right, and although things ended badly, it's over. I can now begin putting some order back into my life. 
> 
> Please keep commenting and recommending this fic to friends!! Share it, and keep the love going!! Comments and Kudos make my day!!!!!

The Normandy gave a sudden lurch to the starboard side out of the blue one morning. It would have pulled Zaeed's ass right out of his chair if he had been sitting. Glancing out the window by the garbage chute, he saw planets and stars racing by. The Normandy was on the move, for the first time in a little over a week, and that was either very good or very bad. It could be that Lo was out and about again, ready to kick some Collector arse. It could also very well be that the Illusive Man was getting impatient, and that Operative Lawson or that nosy AI took over. Zaeed grabbed a gun and headed for the elevator. He could hear Jack shouting "What the shit?" from the stairway. Lovely neighbor.   
He rode that elevator straight up to the command room, ready to fight. It surprised him to see no conflict when the doors opened. The Normandy crew was just working away, and the place looked as normal as ever. He looked at the galaxy map and saw the familiar figure of a woman in cargo shorts, looking over the galaxy with a careful eye like she were it's guardian angel.   
He smiled.   
"Where to, Commander?" He asked, approaching the galaxy map and leaning an elbow on the rail behind Lowry. Her head snapped to him, lips pressed into a cheeky grin.   
"Zaeed! Up from the basement, I see!" She teased. "What can I do for ya?"   
"You can tell me where we're headed in such a goddamn hurry, Lo." She turned to the galazy map, readjusting it to zoom in on the destination planet: a little blue thing called Zorya.   
Wait, Zaeed thought. Sounds familiar...   
"Remember that thing you said you wanted to do? Hit the Blue Suns right where it hurts? Well, that's what we're gonna go do," she explained casually. Suddenly Zaeed remembered why Zorya sounded familiar. That's the name of the sorry piece of rock Vido's on. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest. 

Vido. 

VIDO. 

Lo was saying something, but Zaeed's ears were occupied by the sound of his thoughts. How many years has it been since he woke up in a hospital, barely able to open one of his eyes, skull in fragments, livid with rage and unable to even sit up? How many years since he took off the bandage for the first time and opened his eye to find it was no different than having it closed? How much time did he spend in the shooting range, trying to learn how to aim a rifle without his right eye?   
His head and chest were on fire. Suddenly something caught the attention of his good eye, someone in front of him, waving. She was saying something. He took a breath and tried to focus back on the here and now.   
"…eed? Hello? Anybody up there? Zaeed?" She called. He focused in on her face, her eyes, those blue eyes… Lowry. The universe span back into place quickly.   
"I'm listening," Zaeed bluffed. She laughed a little.   
"Sure you were. Anyway, get suited up! We're heading out at 1300 hours." Zaeed nodded and left to prepare for something he had waited far too long to do. He was knocking the dust off his boots, thinking about giving Vido his just desserts. He could think of no one that he wanted to share this victory with more than his daughter. That just made it all the sweeter. 

~~~ 

The shuttle landed, and Zaeed was the first one out. He checked the surroundings for any surprises, and when he was sure it looked fine, he signaled for the others to jump out. He took a quick scan of local channels for Blue Suns frequencies. They were definitely using their typical channels, even though their so easy to crack that a vorcha could do it. He was profoundly unimpressed with Vido's predictability.   
"Tapping into Blue Suns communications. Stay tight, and look out for ambushes." Shepard, Garrus, and Zaeed moved quickly and quietly through the forest of alien plant life, ready for anything. A transmission came over the broadcast Zaeed had tapped.   
"Squad Bravo. A shuttle landed near your location. Go check it out," the voice said. Goddamn Blue Suns. Well, Zaeed thought, at least it would be interesting.   
"Here we go. Keep close." The Commander pulled in closer on the right. Good. Lo had a rough few weeks. He wanted to make sure she was on top of her game. The walked a few yards before coming up on some trademark Blue Suns memorabilia, so to speak. There were four or five bodies spread across the ground. Their hands were tied behind their backs. Executed.   
"Shot in the back and left to rot. That's definitely Vido's style," Zaeed said, as an icy chill ran through his veins. Is that what he would have looked like- no. Can't think about that. He forced himself to look away. "Let's push ahead." 

As they rounded the corner, bullets started to fly. Zaeed rolled to cover on the right as the rest of his group scattered to cover as well. Garrus quickly expanded his rifle into the sniper rifle he was so fond of, while Shepard was in cover ahead of them, shotgun at the ready. She poked her head around the corner to get a look at where the enemy was, then stepped out with a glowing blue hand sweeping upward, sending small pulses of biotic energy through the ground until they met with the enemy, sending them flying with a powerful blast. Perfect. Zaeed took shots at the flying bodies in three round bursts as they fell to the ground. A loud sniper round from Garrus made a solid hit on a Blue Suns merc around the corner with a rocket launcher.   
"Down ya go!" Garrus cheered. Shepard charged up to a new piece of cover, providing her own suppressing fire with a wide shotgun spread. Zaeed smiled. She was cocky, charging up like that. Zaeed hoped this meant she was out of her slump for good. He advanced to mirror her, watching her back. He loaded a concussive shot and he caught Lowry's eye. She nodded, hand glowing again. In a well practiced movement, she stood to pull a Blue Sun upward and out of cover, and as she was ducking again, Zaeed took aim at the floating mercenary.   
"Sit down!"   
Goddamn good shot. The merc took a hard hit, flung backwards through the air into the rocks behind him with a crack and a groan. If he wasn't already dead, he would be when he fell. He could hear a short, sadistic giggle come out of her when he did that.   
Damn, it was fun to be back in the field with her. 

More than a few dead mercs later, they moved through the battlefield picking up extra ammunition and reloading in silence. They weren't going to give away their positions until they were sure everything was clear. They did a clean sweep, and after finding nothing, Shepard gave the signal for an all clear. They rounded a corner on the path and came to a bridge.   
"I'll have us across in no time. Gimme a sec," the Commander said, walking over to the terminal. She was fairly proficient at hacking, after all. She typed for a minute before there was a transmission from the Blue Suns.   
"This is Commander Santiago. If any of you retreat while the intruders are still alive, I'll kill you myself. Now get the hell back out there!" That voice. Zaeed finally realized why it was so familiar. He should have realized it sooner. It's the voice that hounds his sleep, that comes just before the memory of a gunshot and sitting straight up in bed, knife clenched in his fist, swearing in a cold sweat. 

"Vido. Sounds like he hasn't changed," he muttered louder than he intended.   
"I get the feeling you have a past with this Vido," Lo said nonchalantly over her shoulder back at him, still busy with the controls to the bridge. Zaeed scratched the back of his head. Well, better to come clean now than in the middle of a firefight, he supposed. He cleared his throat before speaking.   
"I knew he was a sadistic bastard back when we started the Blue Suns. The Suns only got meaner after he staged his little coup twenty years ago," he said flatly and quickly, as if that might be enough to explain everything. He didn't want to get into the gritty details of his time with the Suns. His younger self did more than a few things that he isn't exactly proud of. Shepard stopped what she was doing and turned to look at him, more than a little surprised. He shrugged off her gaze. "So yeah, we have a past."   
"Why didn't anyone tell me you founded the Blue Suns?" Shepard asked, equal parts annoyed by his secrecy and the failure of her crew to gather vital information about perspective team members. What were those dossiers for, anyway? Zaeed should have known that it wasn't enough explanation for her. He took in a breath and tried again.   
"Because it's not common knowledge. Vido wiped me out of the records. He ran the books, I led the men. Worked real well for a while,"He explained under the questioning blue-violet gaze of his daughter. Zaeed carefully skipped all the parts about hijacking, assassination, piracy, and accidentally fathering the galaxy's first human Spectre, and got right up to before being betrayed. "Then, Vido started hiring batarians. Cheaper labor, he said. Goddamn terrorists, I said."   
Lowry crossed her arms. There was a gleam across the visor of her helmet, and a bullet of sweat running from Zaeed's temple to his chin. Not the best time for an interrogation, Zaeed thought.   
"20 years is a long time to hold a grudge," she questioned. She could sense that there was quite a lot missing from the story.   
"A grudge?" Zaeed growled, defensive in all the wrong ways. "Vido turned my men against me. He paid six of them to restrain me while he put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger." His blood was starting to boil, remembering his time with Vido, before everything went south. He remembered good whiskey and belly-deep laughs, target practice and fast hovercars, and the good man at his side the whole time: Vido. They were brothers in arms and at heart, though sometimes they'd swear to god it was by blood. It was years before Lowry was even born, before he truly knew the feeling of having family. He used to think that Vido would be more than enough family for him. Zaeed would've died for Vido, that's the goddamn truth. But out of the blue - out of the blue and white sun on the chest of the man he called brother- a Carnifex and a sadistic grin took away his right eye, everything he had built in his life, and everything he had wanted to live for. And what did Vido do it for? A larger piece of the goddamn pie. For money.   
"For 20 years I've seen that bastard every time I closed my eyes, every time I sighted down a target, every time I heard a gunshot! Don't you call that a goddamned 'grudge'." Lo was taken aback, stunned by Zaeed's growling outburst. He softened his face, looking away. He hadn't meant to get so angry. Not at her. She wasn't doing anything wrong. Zaeed just had half a lifetime of pent up aggression that he was more than ready to let out. Still, he wanted to apologize. He wanted to not sound like a complete arsehole. He lets his anger get the better of him most of the time, but at the very least he'd like to not hurt Lo in the process.   
"You survived a gunshot to the head?" Shepard asked, half chuckling, half serious. He looked up at her and could suddenly breathe a little easier. There was a familiar, easygoing smirk peeking out from Shepard's visor. Infectious thing that it was, he felt a twitch at the corners of his mouth.   
"Yeah. And you survived your ship getting disintegrated. A stubborn enough person can survive just about anything," He said, making her smile and bringing a little light in himself, too. "Rage is a hell of an anesthetic." Shepard tapped the bridge controls one more time, opening up the path ahead.   
"We'd better get moving." She was smiling. Lo was good like that. She didn't take it personally when Zaeed struggled to keep his anger in check. She understood. He liked to think that it was because the same rage burned inside her. He sees more of himself in her all the time.   
Zaeed's thoughts were interrupted by a voice over the Blue Suns transmissions. "They're at the southern access. All squads mass at the gatehouse, now!"   
"They know we're here. Bring it on, you son of a bitch!"


End file.
